A lot of what I'm writing about here comes from what I've learned through my participation in a group practicing the principles of Systems Centered Theory (SCT). It's legit and research-based, and if you're interested in learning more, I've provided you with a couple of links to get you started at the end of this post! (It's my interpretation, though -- not officially sanctioned!)
I'm also an grown-up who has had the privilege and joy of being involved in some wonderful families lives over the last 35 years or so, as a babysitter, daycare provider, older cousin, pre-school teacher, family friend, and nanny. I’m not an expert, or a therapist. But when I spend time with kids who have big feelings, I feel a LOT of empathy. And I believe that creating a space where kids feel safe riding that wave of emotion is really important.
I really want the children in my life to be able to start building emotional resilience when they are little, and skip the part where they lose touch with their feelings in the first place.
The thing is, feelings are not convenient, for kids OR adults. They show up at awkward times, like when we are in a hurry, or around people we want to impress. I really do get that, and how hard it is to create space for kids to experience their emotions. I feel a lot of empathy for primary caregivers too.
SUPER MOM
My Mom, aka Joanne Dreyer, remembers when she held the power to fix whatever made me sad.
As I got older, my painful feelings were no longer something my Mom could fix.
It probably wouldn't have been effective for my Mom to yell at or verbally threaten the kids who hurt my feelings, which she found frustrating. Possessing the same mama-bear sense of protection, I too have to refrain myself from seeking out and scaring kids who make the children I love sad.
When my mom realized that she'd lost her superpower, she felt really sad. It took a long time for her to let go of the idea that she was supposed to be able to fix things for her kids. The urge to fix things hasn't gone away, she says. But there's not that same kind of grief.
LEARNING TO RIDE THE WAVES
FAMILY VALUES
Intuitively, kids learn which feelings are acceptable and valued by their families and communities, and the ones that are going cause a disturbance to the cultural ecosystem. Since as a kid, our survival is dependent on the stability of our environment, (not unlike the ecosystem of our physical environment), we all figure out how to sustain life on our particular patch of earth. This all happens before we're four years old.
I didn't want my Mom to feel sad, ever. And I definitely didn't want to be the one who made her sad. And It's not like my Mom sat down with me one day and said: "Hey, don't get sad, OK? Because that makes me sad." And my Oma (grandmother) never said anything like that to her, but my Mom intuited the same message.
Looking back, I think that feeling of sadness itself wasn't really the issue. It was our bone-deep conviction that if we gave sadness any space, opened that particular door even a crack, we'd all drown in a tsunami of grief.
These beautiful illustrations by Emily Ensminger are from a longer piece called "Worn Soles," that explores similar territory.
Which I've learned isn't true.
Feelings come in waves. Each wave has a beginning, middle, and an end. We might experience a wave of feeling as unbearable, but it's not. It's the feelings that are buried deep that cast a specter across generations.
Feelings come in waves. Each wave has a beginning, middle, and an end. We might experience a wave of feeling as unbearable, but it's not. It's the feelings that are buried deep that cast a specter across generations.
Illustration by Emily Ensminger
It wasn't until I was an adult that my Oma, Mom, and me had the language to talk about these tacit agreements we'd made with one another. We also came to understand that our family's history with depression. Likely, genetics play their part. But my Mom and I both believe that unexpressed grief or sadness seeped in at the cellular level my great-grandmother, to my Oma, to my Mom, and to me.
Illustration by Emily Ensminger
My Oma only hinted at the emotional cost of her painful childhood and early adulthood. My Mom and I only remember her crying a few times in her life. Oma passed away a couple of years ago, with those feelings still bound up in her body. The difference for my Mom and me is that we both still have a chance to learn to ride the waves -- to move beyond how we learned to survive as a child, before we possessed the autonomy to make different choices.
I like to think that Oma, and her mother, free of both physical and emotional pain, is somewhere rooting for my mom and I to explore the world of our feelings beyond the paths we know so well.
The Practice
Here is something I never considered before I studied SCT:
What a relief. Once I understood this useful fact, I was able to let go of a lot of fear and step forward into the realm of deeply uncomfortable feelings. Like anger.
I remember the first time I experienced anger in my SCT group. Heather, one of the leaders, said: how big would you need to be to hold all that anger?
I thought about it. Then I started to feel the anger fill my body.
Woah.
I remember the first time I experienced anger in my SCT group. Heather, one of the leaders, said: how big would you need to be to hold all that anger?
I thought about it. Then I started to feel the anger fill my body.
Woah.
When I realized that experiencing my anger would actually help me be more effective in managing my emotions, and lead to making effective choices in how I managed my interactions with the people or groups of people that had made me angry, I was all like, wow.
Rooting Around
Yvonne M. Agazarian (of SCT fame) has a theory: that depression may be a result of unexpressed anger going inward, instead of outward.
First, I learned to stop and check in with myself whenever I notice the experience of my feelings and my body collapsing all at once:
First, I learned to stop and check in with myself whenever I notice the experience of my feelings and my body collapsing all at once:
Then, I'd take a step back and center myself. Did I skip over something? A lot of the time, I'd find anger. I could feel it in my body. It felt amazing.
It's gotten to where I can shift back and forth between self-judgement and shaming feelings to anger, and feel my whole being react. It's really incredible to experience. My years of practice are making a real difference in my life! Woot.
TIME OUT
As a discipline method, Time Out has fans and detractors. For some kids and caregivers, it's not that useful. For others, it works really well.
I was a nanny for sisters, ages two and six. The two-year old (I'll call her Beth) had a frequent habit of expressing her displeasure in a way that dominated any situation. She'd scream and cry, and sometimes, hit. Her older sister would get quiet. I think we all felt kind of captive to her moods.
I started to pick up Beth at the first sign of this behavior. I'd take her to Time Out, in chair I could see from whatever I'd be doing with her sister. One that had no distractions, like toys or books. I'd set the timer for two minutes (pretty standard: age=number of minutes in Time Out).
Beth would often scream louder. I didn't engage her. Logic does not work with toddlers when they are upset. (It doesn't work super-great with adults, either.) Thankfully, she believed in the magic of Time Out and didn't leave her chair.
I was a nanny for sisters, ages two and six. The two-year old (I'll call her Beth) had a frequent habit of expressing her displeasure in a way that dominated any situation. She'd scream and cry, and sometimes, hit. Her older sister would get quiet. I think we all felt kind of captive to her moods.
I started to pick up Beth at the first sign of this behavior. I'd take her to Time Out, in chair I could see from whatever I'd be doing with her sister. One that had no distractions, like toys or books. I'd set the timer for two minutes (pretty standard: age=number of minutes in Time Out).
Beth would often scream louder. I didn't engage her. Logic does not work with toddlers when they are upset. (It doesn't work super-great with adults, either.) Thankfully, she believed in the magic of Time Out and didn't leave her chair.
Thankfully, Beth always calmed down before the two minutes were up. When Time Out ended, I'd go pick her up, swing her around, and say, "Oh, Beth, I'm so happy you're back!"
What started to happen is that Beth took less time to calm herself down. I'd let go of the two-minute rule, and went ahead and welcomed her back right away.
Beth's mom wasn't sure about how often I used Time Out. We'd sometimes overlap in the morning when she was getting ready to go to work. She asked me if it was necessary to put Beth in Time Out so often. I can't remember exactly what I said, but I didn't say I'd stop using it.
Pretty soon after, Beth said to her Mom, "Dawn loves me so much! She puts me in Time Out every day."
I felt so good! Not in a snarky way of her Mom was wrong and I was right. (And, technically, I didn't use it every day.) I felt good because my theory about Time Out -- that it's not a punishment, but a way for kids to just get out whatever feeling they are experiencing -- seemed to gather some credence from Beth's declaration to her Mom.
I often think that it would be great if adults could just call Time Out for themselves, or each other. And not be ashamed. It would be practical, I think. Step away from the meeting, or an argument that doesn't really seem like it's about what's being discussed. Go find a chair without any distractions. I don't think grown-ups would have to apply the age=number of minutes in Time Out for it to work, although it would be nice to have that option.
I also think that we'd all do a much better job getting along if grown-ups were encouraged to take more naps. A lot of what I've learned about myself seems to work when I use it with kids. But I've learned at least as much from the children I'm grateful -- that I've been grateful -- to have in my life. Many of whom are now adults, with kids of their own.
Beth's mom wasn't sure about how often I used Time Out. We'd sometimes overlap in the morning when she was getting ready to go to work. She asked me if it was necessary to put Beth in Time Out so often. I can't remember exactly what I said, but I didn't say I'd stop using it.
Pretty soon after, Beth said to her Mom, "Dawn loves me so much! She puts me in Time Out every day."
I felt so good! Not in a snarky way of her Mom was wrong and I was right. (And, technically, I didn't use it every day.) I felt good because my theory about Time Out -- that it's not a punishment, but a way for kids to just get out whatever feeling they are experiencing -- seemed to gather some credence from Beth's declaration to her Mom.
I often think that it would be great if adults could just call Time Out for themselves, or each other. And not be ashamed. It would be practical, I think. Step away from the meeting, or an argument that doesn't really seem like it's about what's being discussed. Go find a chair without any distractions. I don't think grown-ups would have to apply the age=number of minutes in Time Out for it to work, although it would be nice to have that option.
I also think that we'd all do a much better job getting along if grown-ups were encouraged to take more naps. A lot of what I've learned about myself seems to work when I use it with kids. But I've learned at least as much from the children I'm grateful -- that I've been grateful -- to have in my life. Many of whom are now adults, with kids of their own.
RESOURCES
Parent Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT)
If you feel overwhelmed by the intensity of your child's emotions and the challenge of communicating with your child effectively when her or his behavior feels out-of-control, Maureen Gomeringer, MSW, LCSW, offers Parent Child Interaction Therapy, an evidence-based treatment intended to increase a child’s sense of self-control and cooperation by strengthening the child’s trust for and connection to his parent. Click here to learn more.
Maureen provides her services through Carolina Partners in Mental Healthcare, the organization that generously supports Cracked [the blog] and Bipolar Girl Rules the World.
If you feel overwhelmed by the intensity of your child's emotions and the challenge of communicating with your child effectively when her or his behavior feels out-of-control, Maureen Gomeringer, MSW, LCSW, offers Parent Child Interaction Therapy, an evidence-based treatment intended to increase a child’s sense of self-control and cooperation by strengthening the child’s trust for and connection to his parent. Click here to learn more.
Maureen provides her services through Carolina Partners in Mental Healthcare, the organization that generously supports Cracked [the blog] and Bipolar Girl Rules the World.
Systems Centered Theory (SCT)
To learn more about SCT, you can go to their website. There is also a SCT YouTube channel. I think the short video The Edge of the Unknown is a great place to start.
To learn more about SCT, you can go to their website. There is also a SCT YouTube channel. I think the short video The Edge of the Unknown is a great place to start.
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